Little Peanut, I remember the day I was made aware of your presence. For the first time, my period was delayed for a week. I couldn't bring myself to have a pregnancy test yet because I was scared of another disappointment. You see, your daddy and I have been praying for you for so long!
We've already been to a fertility doctor who almost gave us no hope of having a baby unless we try IVF. We went on with our lives and decided not to try anymore.. got us some dogs and treated them as our kids. We were happy and contented, travelling anytime we wanted, going out on dates whenever we felt like it, just thinking of satisfying ourselves and aspiring to have anything material that would make us happy and whole.
Almost two weeks delayed and I couldn't stop myself from testing anymore! Could it be? Is it possible? But the doctor said otherwise... Lord, please, I don't want to have my hopes crushed again! And there you were, showing your presence on that additional line. The line which shouldn't be there as my doctor had led me to believe... I broke down in the bathroom, couldn't believe what I was seeing.. little Peanut, you're really here! I love you so much already!
Ok, the next thing that happened would dampen the drama here... I immediately told your daddy, and his first reaction was..."Ssshhh.. let's keep quiet muna." Though slightly disappointed with his reaction, I knew that he was very happy to learn about you as well but was scared that something might happen if we get too excited.
We first saw you on your 8th week. I couldn't help myself from crying when I first saw you, so tiny, like a Peanut wiggling. You looked so adorable then... it was such a beautiful feeling! There was life inside me! I loved you more that time.
Though I wasn't feeling you yet, your daddy and I kept talking to you and about you already. We were both so excited to see you and to take care of you. We didn't think much about the subchorionic hemorrhage they saw in my ultrasound. We were just so positive that everything would turn out ok. We should have seen it coming...
A few weeks after, I had some slight cramps, then the following day, I saw some red spots that continued to profuse bleeding, contracting and pain! I actually couldn't feel the physical pain so much because the pain in my heart was the worst! I knew I was losing you! I continued praying the rosary and begged the Lord to stop you from leaving us! You were only a day from 12 weeks. The time that they say that the percentage of miscarriages significantly goes down! But I guess the Lord had other plans for us... which I could not fathom at first... I kept thinking, "Why give the baby to us and just let him live inside of me for just a few weeks when we weren't praying for it anymore? Weren't we so contented with our lives already? Why why why?" Your daddy was beside me cryin his heart out too!Then my next thought was, "Lord, please let our marriage survive this..." I was so scared to have your daddy blame me for what happened. I didn't think I could go on after this tragedy without him by my side. Thankfully, he became the supportive husband I DIDN'T actually expect him to be.
Weeks went by after the incident and I couldn't bring myself to talk to anyone but my immediate family. Calls were screened and online messages of condolences and kind words from well meaning friends and relatives were all answered by your daddy who though inspite the pain and heartache continously talked and supported me throughout the whole ordeal. Telling me constantly that we will be happy even if it's just the two us. I couldn't love him more after that Little Peanut. I really wish you knew and met him, you would have loved him too!
Today, as I'm writing this, I'm now on my 6th month of pregnancy with your siblings. Wish you were with us but I understand now that you're in a much better place. Please always keep watch over me, your daddy and your siblings. I wrote this for them to remember you. It was just a few weeks, I know, but you made a mark in my heart that will never be erased. I will always love you my little Peanut...
I also went through the same thing October of 2007. My then boyfriend now hubby didn't plan my first pregnancy, but we were happy about it just the same. Our families also accepted the news with joy, so everyone was looking forward to the little one's arrival. Around 8 weeks into my pregnancy, we went in for an ultrasound (not my first) to check if the baby already has a heartbeat. The first ultrasound didn't show any. I was given some meds (pangpakapit) by the doc, but when we went back after two weeks, still no heartbeat. :( I naturally miscarried on Oct.1, a day after our civil wedding. I carried a heavy feeling in my chest for an entire year after that, I was supposed to give birth April 2008. :( On the same year, on our first anniv... I found out I was pregnant. And our darling daughter is now 2 years old. :) She would have had an Ate or Kuya, a year older than her. Haaaayyyy, I still think of how it would have been if that little one was born... and even if I have already accepted that part of my past, every time I think of it, there's still that little tugging pain in my heart.
TumugonBurahinAyan, napakwento naman ako. :) Congratulations on the twins! God really does work in mysterious ways...
i feel for you sis! it is not really easy but God is good and He will give our desires in His own time. Three months after my miscarriage, i got pregnant again.
TumugonBurahin^ mommy tin - oct 2, 2007 when i also lost my first baby too, no heartbeat too.
sis hindi ko din alam ang gagawin ko pag nangyari yan at least alam ni little peanut na love siya ng parents niya. angel na siya ngayon ng twins mo. alam mo ba i've always wanted to have twins pero mukhang di sa generation namin lalabas ang twins. both of my parents kasi they have twin siblings. hang in there be strong and pray, always.
TumugonBurahin